


Missing Links

by soberII



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Angst, Biphobia, F/M, Grieving John, Homophobic Language, I'm Sorry, Internalized Homophobia, John is a Mess, M/M, Mutual Pining, Post-Season/Series 02, Season/Series 03, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-24
Updated: 2018-05-24
Packaged: 2019-05-13 11:00:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,014
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14747577
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/soberII/pseuds/soberII
Summary: Sherlock was the one who jumped, but John fell (and crashed and died) alongside him.





	Missing Links

_He_ is gone. John is gone too, in a way. Lost as he once had been before they met. Empty, adrift, lifeless, again. Except now worse than before. His revolver's barrel had never been past his lips, before. Hunger had been annoying then, now it's simply ignored, unthinkable. No showers or shaving or hair trims, now. No Ella, now, no people no thoughts other than—

Death. He is dying and, for the first time, it's by choice. It's exhilarating. Freeing.

Not for long.

* * *

 Waking up feels wrong. John can't pinpoint exactly _why_ _._

 _"_ _Good_ _morning_ _",_ a nurse says to him as she brings him breakfast. John finds her very pretty; blonde hair, traditional feminine figure and features, striking blue eyes that are _only_ blue. It's refreshing, somehow. It makes the ache stop.

John doesn't notice the lone rose sitting in one of the room's drawers.

(Nor the _H_ written alongside it)

* * *

 Mary is her name. Which is a really common name, but so is John. Mary is _fine_ and John can't remember a time when he felt like that about anything.

Once he's discharged and promises to every doctor he'll go to therapy at least once a week, John asks Mary on a date.

Although reluctant at first, she says yes and the date goes just _fine_ and John can't ask for more than that so they do it again and again until they are in a relationship.

* * *

There are parts of John that are missing. That's what the doctors tell him, anyway. John realizes it's true when his landlady (apparently) hugs him tightly and he can't remember her for the life of his.

The apartment brings back some memories, but they are all blurry and fragmented. "He's traveling", Mrs. Hudson says with a sad smile when John asks if he has a flatmate, giving that there's _no_ _way_ he owns half of the stuff there.

He thinks he hears her sob.

* * *

Whenever adrenaline hits, memories flood his brain. So it takes him a while to retrieve them all.

It's starts when a drunk guy threatens to stab him one late night. From that moment, John chases the feeling; goes to a shooting range, meddles in dangerous neighbourhoods.

They all come back one of those days and John cries for hours. Then, he leaves his— no, _their_ apartment, no longer standing the now very suffocating 221B.

* * *

Sherlock might not be there, but Mary is. She lets him stay at her place, buys him his favourite food, tries to distract him, hugs him at night. Even if he doesn't speak, Mary fills the silence with reassuring and soothing talk.

Once he can form words, once he stops choking on his own thoughts, John tells Mary about everything; about his father, how he used to hit his sister for being gay; about Afghanistan, before, during and after. And then, all about Sherlock.

He feels like he's about to cry throughout the whole story, yet he doesn't. He's tired of moping around like a lost puppy for him. Sherlock was the one who jumped, after all. He _left_ him. Didn't gave a damn about anyone else. _Didn't_ _gave_ _a_ _damn_ _about_ _him_ _._

John is furious.

He even considers Moriarty's story, but it only lasts a moment.

* * *

Once Mary's asleep, John goes to a pub.

He only returns after twelve drinks, two bloody noses and a sprained wrist.

He slides easily besides Mary and John can't help but hug her tightly. "I love you", John murmurs into her hair and drifts to sleep.

(The fact that he sees Sherlock's face as he says it is purely coincidental)

* * *

Mrs. Hudson goes with him the first time. They stand and talk (well, she does) until finally, _finally_ _,_ she leaves him ( _them_ _)_ alone.

John hasn't forgive him. Not yet. But still, there are words that burn on the back of his throat and he might as well say them.

But he can't, as per usual. Instead, he pleads, "Don't. Be. Dead".

( _I_ _miss_ _you_ _,_ he wants to say. _Come_ _back_ _)_

( _I_ _love_ _you_ _)_

* * *

John is moving in with Mary and Mrs. Hudson is crying.

"I'm sorry", John says when he carries the last box out. "I'll call". Mrs. Hudson doesn't stop crying.

John closes the door and exhales air he didn't knew he was holding.

 _Goodbye,_ he thinks as the truck drives away. It sounds definitive in his head.

John makes love to Mary twice that night.

* * *

He doesn't call Mrs. Hudson the next day. Or the one after that. _Somehow it got harder_ , John will tell her later.

Truth is, he chooses to forget.

* * *

Life with Mary is _fine_ even though his eyes lose the depth and adventure they once had.

They work at the same clinic now, see each other at every breathing moment. John supposes that's fine too; he loves her after all. Doesn't he?

He does. John repeats that harder and often. _I love her, I love her, I love her._

When he almost moans Sherlock's name during sex he buys a ring.  
  
He loves  _her._

* * *

 _I'm not gay,_ John says to Mrs. Hudson when he visits her to tell her about his soon-to-be engagement to Mary. He owes her that much.

Ella's question resurfaces, never truly forgotten: _Not gay or not attracted to men?_

John remembers high school's rugby shower room. He remembers the college party where he walked on two friends of his making out. He remembers the army. _James Sholto._ He remembers Sherlock gripping his hand, and his smile, and his weird, color changing, life altering eyes.

 _Bloody d_ _isgusting queer,_ resonates in his head, the memory of his father's words still lingering after all this time. _You better not be a faggot like your sister, Hamish, or else..._

He thinks of the high school cheerleaders. Thinks of Sarah's breasts, of Jeanette's moans, of Mary's soft lips laughing.

Then, he's panting, heavily aroused. He sighs in relief, convincing himself that it was the women that did it and goes find Mary.

Tonight he'll propose, Mary will say yes and they'll be okay. Everything will.

Right?


End file.
